Got a problem you can't solve?  Then ask Dear Pitchy!

Shiesty Mac writes:
dear pitchy i once read on the message board that , if i have sex before marriage that my special place will close right up? is this true because i have had sex and im not married and im just sitting here looking down constantly wondering when this is going to happen ims oooo scared pitchy please help.

Pitchy's reply:
Shiesty, thanks for having the courage to ask this very important question. While this may not be entirely true, every myth is rooted with some fact. I have done years of extensive research on this and have learned that if you have premarital sex with pygmies and midgets, people named Marcy, and while listening to the Canadian national anthem, your “special place” will close up making it very difficult to continue to have premarital sex. It may be difficult to understand, but that is the way of nature and the laws of physics… simply accept the fact that you can no longer get by with sexing up pygmies, getting nasty with Marcy or doing the dirty at a Toronto Maple Leafs game. If those 3 don’t apply to you, then don’t worry about closing up… you keep getting your freak on and don’t forget to send in pictures next time.

Lauren writes:
Dear Pitchy, You asked me to give you details on my naughty dream so I came to the decision that I will, since I am in love with you and will do what makes you happy. In my dream, I found myself in a dark room on a big bed with a stuffed panda next to me. I picked the panda up and right as I did that, you crawled out from under the covers on the bed and proceeded in doing naughty things to me. In the
process you managed to rip my shirt in half and tear the clasps off of my bra. How you did that, I do not know. Then somewhere along the lines, the dream switched gears and I was walking down an aisle in a white dress while "Viva Forever" by the Spice Girls played in the background. Hmmm, what's that about?

Pitchy's reply:
Thanks for writing back with the details of your dream. I found every single word completely fascinating... so much in fact that on Feb 23rd of this year, I took you to Vegas where we happily married by a parachuting Elvis... not the skinny sexy Elvis, but the fat drunk sloth Elvis. Which leads me to the part about The Spice Girls "Viva Forever” Since that is the only CD that chicken shack church had after bandits broke in and stole their entire Frank Sinatra collection... you did walk down the aisle to that song. The panda bear part of your dream is the result of our trip to Build-a-Bear on our honeymoon and you made me a panda and I made you scaled replica of Anna Nicole Smith, only with more fur. The bra strap... well I am a guy and they were scientifically designed to be guy proof so we have no choice to either break it or chisel it and I know how you are about me bringing tools to bed. Long story short, your dream is residual occurrences from our wedding and honeymoon... are you sure there was no pork n beans involved?

Pitchy's reply:
Lily, I can't even count how many times I check my email / voice mail and get the same proposal. Yours however is special enough for me to take time out of my extremely hectic and busy schedule to reply to. I'm sorry to inform you that as of Feb 23rd I was married to the love of my life. Even though she was recently uprooted from Utah, I don't think she would allow me to enter a state of polygamy with you as my second wife. But who is to say that one drunken night I won't call asking you to meet me a sleazy hotel room while my pregnant wife slaves over a hot stove in our 1 bedroom trailer cooking me a turkey pot pie. That's the best I can do.

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Shannon, it is a common misconception that your pets really do love you, when in fact they are tired of being slaves to your crunchy dog food and pointless pet tricks. What your dog is really thinking when he stares at you is how tasty your human flesh meat looks to his k-9 eyes. He wants nothing more than to launch at your throat, ripping out your vocal cords so you can't scream as he then begins to gnaw away on your juicy little arms.

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Lauren, it is not uncommon for young sexy females like you to be attracted to smart and powerful men such as myself. While some will tell you that you are going to hell for having impure / naughty thoughts about me, I will tell you that it is completely natural and you should continue to enjoy these nightly fantasies. It does not make you strange, but for future reference, when you write me about naughty dreams, please provide specific details and if possible, send personal photos of yourself.

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Frog, this is nothing to be ashamed of as it happens to most women. Although I do recommend keeping the mayo on between slices of bread and not between the legs. Your crusty coochie condition can be the result of many problems, but I fear the crabs are the result of bad choices in sexual partners. Instead of using sandwich condiments on your noo noo, I would suggest non-flavored yogurt. It will help with the bacteria discharge that leaves the crusty residue

Carrie writes:
I am desperate for your help! I can't do anything with my hair. Its so wild and always a mess, I've contemplated shaving it off because I hear bald Chicks are hot. I thought about shaving half of it off to teach the other half a lesson.I've tried greasing it down to my head. I've doubled my collection of hats. I've even thought about letting my stylist fashion it into an always fashionable mullet. I just don't know what to do. I shampoo it every day and try to take good care of it.......but nothing works. You are my last resort.

Pitchy's reply:
This could be the most difficult question I have ever had to answer. You've already contemplated the options I would have offered other than shaved mullet. If you were to shave everything from your ears up, you could still maintain that mullet style by letting the bottom back of your head grow as long and curly as you want. I would like to add that Suave herbal shampoo and conditioner has done wonders with my own hair and at a fraction of the cost of those other name brand herbal shampoos. If you are still having problems with your hair after a month, let me know and I will speak with my people and have them speak with Sally Jessie's people and we will schedule you for a make over. Salley knows all the professionals and I feel this is a matter more suited to her.

Hiney writes:
Ok....I am desperately in love with Merv Griffin. I think he is the sexiest man alive. I keep trying to get People Magazine to pick him for their cover, but they never do. My problem is, he does not even know I am alive. How can I get him to notice me?

Pitchy's reply:
Dear Hiney, I think it all depends on how you want Merv to see you as. There's always the obsessed fan stalking famous people option where you go to LA, buy one of those maps to the stars homes, but you may have to dig around some to find one with Mr. Merv's stomping pad. Personally I prefer the art of deception. Make a few calls to his publicist, pretend to be a journalist who is interested on his life story and schedule an interview in a sleazy hotel room where you can hand cuff him to the bed and act out scenes from 'Silence of the Lambs' The People Magazine may take slightly more drastic measures such as blackmail and guerilla warfare. These snotty execs will wise up real fast when you strap a few sticks of dynamite to their Lexus with your "Merv Griffin is SEXY" note. Of course you don't detonate the dynamite, merely use it as a scare tactic. Follow these examples and you will be Mrs. Hiney Griffin in no time.

Pitchy's reply:
I'm sorry Miss Becky, I am for real, never meant to make your friend cry, I apologized a million times. Ok ok, so I am not the Outkast... but Becky, you failed to disclose who your friend is so I don't know how to answer. Chances are though that your friend is a liar, and a big fat one at that. I have consulted with my current girlfriend via thought waves transmitted through aluminum foil covered bras that we wear on our heads and she tells me that she doesn't know you which leads me back to my original conclusion that your friend needs to tell you the truth. I know it may be difficult for her to understand but I can't be all things to all people.

Pitchy's reply:
Kristin, you propose a most difficult problem. Busty's identity is one of the last great mysteries of our time, like the sasquatch and chupacabra, somethings might be best left unknown. I've heard that Busty is a girl, theleader of a robotic army sent to Earth to brainwash all free thinking organisms and that he/she is part of a collective clown conspiracy and is never the same person twice. Until we know more about this mysterious persona known as Busty, I would suggest that you love the legend that is Busty, but keep your undying love on the back burners until we know for certain who and what Busty is.